The devil apparently won’t be in the running to win next year’s Kansas State Spelling Bee, but with the scuffle that broke out at the Kansas Statehouse yesterday he no doubt got the publicity he wanted in the face of opposition from Christian activists.
His minion’s hopes were to summon darkness, but’s unclear if the devil actually heard the growling incantations from tattooed moron Michael Stewart, who attempted a “black mass” in the statehouse Friday in violation of facility rules while employing his pretty much incomprehensible ‘71 Buick Electra-in-need-of-a-muffler voice. No one could understand what he was saying until he got hauled off to the hoosegow, but what was abundantly clear was that he was there to mock Christianity and rub Kansans’ noses in the First Amendment – plus get free publicity for his Satanic Grotto’s new line of Dylan Mulvaney action figures.
Two things were apparent from the rally on the south steps of the statehouse, where the devil’s dupes faced off against what appeared to be mostly Catholic counter-protesters separated by a security line: 1) Stewart’s Grotto needs to invest in a decent portable P.A. system; 2) his followers need to cut back on the carbs.
And what was abundantly clear from Stewart’s Facebook posts as reported in a story by The Lion was that this flunkie for the dark lord spent way more time getting his skull inked than he did paying attention to his 5th grade spelling and phonics teacher.
“Between 10 am and 2pm, we expect there to be a dominating Catholic presence of (sic) the south steps of the capitol building,” it reads, per The Lion’s story. “We will be counter protesting this group! this is where we want your support. Our fire and brimstone team is fierce and viscous (sic). We will make that crowd uncomfortable and we will drowned (sic) out their prayers. As a bonus we will hand out ‘mini black mass’ kits that be (sic) used anywhere any time! instructions included. They can stop one black mass but they cant stop us all.”
Stop the black mass ‘they’ did. Making good on a previous declarations to the media that they’d enter the statehouse and conduct their ceremony, capitol rules be damned (pun intended), Stewart punched Wisconsin Christian activist Marcus Schroeder twice in the face after Schroeder tried to snatch Stewart’s Cliff’s Notes for the sinister ceremony from his hands. Apparently the devil’s not real strict about a commitment to memorization of the dark rites, but refuses to pony up for a teleprompter.
Channeling the dark forces of the underworld turns out to be no match for a Kansas Highway Patrolman’s single leg takedown, however. Seconds after the assault on Shroeder, Stewart was sprawled on the polished granite of the statehouse rotunda under several uniformed officers, squealing a now very clear and discernible “I’m not resisting, I’m not resisting” before the gaggle of reporters and cameramen, some of whom it was clear had just soiled themselves at witnessing their first-ever actual physical confrontation, breathlessly followed cops and their prisoner down the stairs and out the visitors entry doors.
“Hail Satan!” Stewart repeated, walking in handcuffs to the paddy wagon.
Whatever, dude.
Of course Schroeder did the good guys no favors in his childish assault on Stewart’s personal property, rancid as it was. Whether it’s snatching someone’s dopey devil speech or burning their Tesla, zealots have a tendency to brandish the First Amendment and the rule of law then throw it all out when it doesn’t suit them. Gotta resist the temptations of the dark side, Luke. And if you’re gonna pick fights, you better learn how to block a punch.
Even though Stewart was in obvious violation of the statehouse rules (keep your protest on the steps and out of the hallways) now the poor disenfranchised pawns of evil get to be martyrs for free expression and the hypocrisy of Christians who embrace the Constitution as long as it doesn’t affront them. Tell it to the judge, demon spawn – we can debate that all in court, like Americans do.
The real story is the whole ordeal illustrated the benefits of good ‘ole political compromise on the nearly-hallowed grounds of Kansas government. The devil and his ilk got the publicity they wanted; Christians got to counter evil and pray for the redemption of lost souls by affirming the love of the Savior – even these derelicts can be saved, after all.
The rest of us got to watch an obnoxious slab of rotting meat get his clock cleaned and plopped at least temporarily in the local slammer, and Shawnee County will probably make a little cash in fines and court costs.
See? Not such a dark day after all.
Dane Hicks is a graduate of the University of Missouri School of Journalism and the United States Marine Corps Officer Candidate School at Quantico, VA. He is the author of novels "The Skinning Tree" and "A Whisper For Help." As publisher of the Anderson County Review in Garnett, KS., he is a recipient of the Kansas Press Association's Boyd Community Service Award as well as more than 60 awards for excellence in news, editorial and photography.
