Law and order in Kansas? Pshaw, says a recent column from the bow-tie wearing but tuxedoless head of the Kansas ACLU. Kansans want more pot and more crime. Why, they even said so in a survey.
“In an increasingly difficult environment to find common political ground,” says the summary paragraph of a recent column written by Micah Kubic on his way to barbershop quartet practice, “these findings nonetheless show that in the upcoming legislative session and beyond, Kansas lawmakers have numerous opportunities to close the gap that remains between the legal system we have now and one that truly meets the values of potheads and criminals.”
Just kidding. Kubic’s advocacy for anarchy in the Sunflower State in pimping the results from the organization’s latest bogus “survey” actually has nothing to do with self respecting potheads and criminals, except that this group makes up the mainstay of people who pay any attention at all to the musings of the Kansas ACLU.
The real gist of KAN-ALCU’s purported “survey” of 700 Kansas voters, apparently all of whom had
nose piercings and at least one imprinted hemp based mug from a Lawrence coffee shop/, is that Kansans want fewer pesky infringements on their right to get baked, easier ways to get out of jail and more criminals out onthe streets instead of being locked up.
Basically, Kubic says of this illuminating research, Kansans want our state to be more like Chicago – even though people in Chicago right now don’t want their own city to be like Chicago.
Kubic never gives a breakdown of these supposed survey respondents or any information about the sample other than the obvious clue that they were all polled moments after the bars closed, but in the interests of this newspaper’s unending quest for a giggle from readers, let’s encapsulate the survey’s results:
-80% of Kansans in Kubic’s sample want legislators to approve medical marijuana prescriptions and 71 percent want to do away with criminal penalties for pot possession. 97% of this group also want cheaper Doritos.
-69% want changes to the state’s cash bail system – instead they’d like a ‘get out of jail free’ card for those accused of breaking laws in Kansas – you know, the plan that’s been so successful in crime-infested cesspool urban areas around the country.
-80% of Kubic’s choice respondents wanted to replace juvenile offender fines with “other accountability measures.” The percentage favoring the use of one of my dad’s old leather belts as
an alternate accountability measure was undisclosed.
Kubic’s argument here – which I confess would be way more convincing if he was wearing a Four In Hand with a windsor knot or even just an open neck pinstripe shirt with a jacket – is that Kansas Legislators should flip the tenor of state laws to favor more chaos, because vast swaths of Kansans want to be more like places where George Soros elects the local prosecutors.
Because… like… that’s working out so well.
Kubic wants us to believe majorities of Kansas voters who have elected a near veto-proof majority of conservative, law-and-order legislators secretly yearn for nose rings, pink hair and CoEXIST bumper stickers. These legions of pro-gun, pro-business, pro-girls only in their own bathrooms fans who vote majorities in every Kansas county except the “enlightened” university meccas, are really closeted Abbie Hoffman clones. Kansas is full of repressed hippies, they’d have you believe, who took the opportunity to let it all hang out on a questionnaire administered by a group who’s national parent founder was a fan of Stalin’s Russia – a guy who wrote a book entitled: “Liberty Under The Soviets” which defended the Lenin’s and Stalin’s repression of dissent because they “are weapons in the transition to socialism.”
Yeeeaaaah….noooo…Doesn’t sound like the Kansas I know.
The Sunflower state doesn’t need the associated Chinese mafia crime that comes with any expansion of
marijuana policy – four ChiCom nationals just got wacked down in Oklahoma over a “medical” marijuana operation a year ago – and it certainly doesn’t need more people who smell, drive and vote like
they’re stoned. Anybody who thinks we need easier ways for people to get out of jail and social
workers, instead of prisons and cells, needs to read up on the Carr brothers.
Those kinds of ridiculous ideas fit Kansas like a bowtie without a tuxedo.
Dane Hicks is a graduate of the University of Missouri School of Journalism and the United States Marine Corps Officer Candidate School at Quantico, VA. He is the author of novels "The Skinning Tree" and "A Whisper For Help." As publisher of the Anderson County Review in Garnett, KS., he is a recipient of the Kansas Press Association's Boyd Community Service Award as well as more than 60 awards for excellence in news, editorial and photography.