New Apple product allows us to check out of life

Apple’s soon to be released Vision Pro headset, which is a virtual/augmented reality headset, has evidently already sold out. Pre-orders for the $3,500+ pair of goggles, which allow the user to experience a virtual world, became available on Jan. 19 and it officially becomes available for purchase on Feb. 2. But shipping dates have been bumped forward to March or later, and because of initial demand, buying the device may not be available anytime soon.

What a statement on society today. Zombie-scrolling on our smartphones isn’t enough for today’s human. Evidently, we need new and more enhanced opportunities to totally disengage from being physically present in real life.

So just in time for the warmer weather of the approaching spring season, early adopters of this technology will adorn themselves with a strapped-on device that will create a false reality.

All we need is for Apple to come out with a high-tech and efficient offering of feeding tubes and catheters and I guarantee they’ll sell out in an instant.

Maybe that is the next phase… consumers can plant themselves on the Apple Couch, let an automated system run tubes up into every orifice, and then the user can remain in that position, possibly forever.

Maybe Apple’s new line of furniture will help us solve the housing crisis, with the availability of the Apple Couch+ at Apple Apartments, where resident consumers are lined up in small cubicles on their couches like they’re in a modern hog barn.

In confined settings, disease control is always a priority, so these cubicles will need to be hermetically sealed and then Apple can sell us Apple Oxygen pumped directly via Apple Tubes+ into our lungs.

Where do we go from here? I suppose existence is meaningless at this point, but can you imagine the amazing benefits to the economy when every aspect of life is monetized?

Might be time to buy Apple stock. Stockholders could use their market gains to buy the premium level Apple Virtual Experiences+ without commercials.

Dan Thalmann is the owner/publisher of the Washington County News and is a Past President of the Kansas Press Association. He has won numerous journalism awards in many categories over the years, including multiple awards as the best mid-sized weekly newspaper in Kansas.